I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
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[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
One venti cheeseburger please.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird