Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

“I do law stuff” – attorney general

“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is