Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.