Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.