Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
You Might Also Like
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed