Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

I’m already scared

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

Should I call tech support or pray or what

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Merica.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

I see your IQ test came back negative

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay