Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex