Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

[at the gym]

GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

It’s actually Dr. whatever

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets