Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you

the good: nice

the bad: cool

me: what’s it called?

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.