Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
You Might Also Like
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?