Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”

History fun fact:

In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

scares

I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen