Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Go girl power!

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.