Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
this is the greatest thing ever
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.