Too easy.
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I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.