Too easy.
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Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A short story about romance.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
For real 🤣
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.