Too easy.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
why isn’t he texting back
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Are we there yet?…
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you