*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You Might Also Like
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
even bears disappoint their mothers
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.