*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”