Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.

These aliens are taking forever.

me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.