Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

scares

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant

Take my advice, I’m not using it.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.

I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.