Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My guardian angel deserves a raise
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.