Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is

me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup

detective: what was it

me: starbucks

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.

-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

Clients after you give them your rates

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*