Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Hamburger help me, God

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Me too

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

Don’t forget to tip your server

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.