Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’

Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.