Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*