Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …