Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
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People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I Can’t Tonight…
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’m calling the cops.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*