Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

(Fancy restaurant)

Me: One food please.

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Going to church you guys need anything

7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”

cry laughing at this shit

The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”

*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

44.65

*click*
44.87

*click*
44.96

*click*
44.98

*click*
44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

I already tried new things thanks.

Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*

Wife: what are you doing

Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh

Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]