too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics