Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.