‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
You Might Also Like
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy