Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.

After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Wife: this is how monsters are made

Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Ok who’s got my black socks?

how was your vacation

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.