‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?