Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.

Coworker: What?

Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.

Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.

Me: Yes.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.