Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]