Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
