Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard

6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of