Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see

[Life after lockdown]

My Hairstylist: WTF

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.