Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I love it all
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?