Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Stop sending me this shit.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?