@geekysteven

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

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@daemonic3

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

@writersdream

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

@TheBoydP

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

@Prof_BrianCocks

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

@taitutu

Phone rang for the 1st time in 4 months. My reaction was similar to finding a dead mouse on my porch. I circled it & poked it with a stick.

@smells_fine

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

@AimeeHelene1

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

@VestaTot

Help 9-1-1! I just found my husband! He’s been drugged in his coffee and then stabbed with a pen knife but that didn’t work and then shot!