Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
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My life in a nutshell
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
every single time
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.