Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore

#SaturdayBears

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

i just found this in my phone

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.