Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*