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[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
This poor dog
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.