took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
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You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Dishonest mechanic?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.