took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”