took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
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I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
you stereotypes are all alike
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?