Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
![]()
You Might Also Like
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
This headline is a thing of beauty
![]()
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
![]()
![]()
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Breaking news:
![]()
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad