Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

I’ve been learning to cook.

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

[pushing my son in his stroller]

Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?

Me: 35

Stranger: I was talking to him

Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.