Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.