took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.
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The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style