Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.

Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad

Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal

[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years