Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
