Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
when unicorns get really drunk
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.