Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Now, where’s the sport in that?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.