Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You Might Also Like
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
listen closely
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out