Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You Might Also Like
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.