Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
You Might Also Like
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues