Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion