Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
for all #parents out there
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Just added something to my bucket list.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.