Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

A couple who are silly together stay together.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.