Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Frog purse.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.