Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I love twitter
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.