Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music