Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
All generalizations are stupid.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.