Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*

ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!