Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.