Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

Grandpa

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

medusa but her hair is an anaconda