Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.

Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

kids play hide and seek like

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.