Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro