Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes,  I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.