Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!