Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
They did not miss in the small print
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why